September 12, 2013

Do It Your Way On This Day

Remember what is important and remember how good you have it.  How many times do we all forget to relish the times of simplicity in our lives?

Today is a day that reminds me where I was and what I was doing and how I first found out a plane hit the World Trade Center.  I can remember how I reacted, my surroundings and all the things I did that day.  The media coverage was overwhelming at the time.  Since 2001, I have always avoided TV and any kind of news outlets when the calendar switches to the 11th of September.  Like a cattle brand, my memories are burned into my brain (like anyone else) and I need no further reminder. I can remember the phone call from Jersey City informing me of something I actually thought was a mistake at first.   I can envision what I saw from Newark airport a few days following.  I can envision all the missing persons flyers I saw in Penn Station and posted around the city for a time following that day.  I can remember the memorials at the local train stations for the people who never returned home.  People say never forget.  My response is I can never forgot, nor would I forget.  Some times I wonder if it is disrespectful to avoid media coverage of the memorial events each year.  However, I really feel the news media can give anyone information indigestion.  I feel each person should observe this day however they wish, in whatever way is most comfortable. Though I am hardly religious, I woke up this morning and prayed for peace and protection for all the people who lost someone or more, all the people who were lost, all the people who are saddened or sick as a result of events on that day.   “Anyone who needs it on this day, please bring peace and protect the people who have passed and the people who survived or were left behind and every person touched by the events 12 years ago.”  Then I started my day.  I decided to respect those impacted by remembering I am fortunate to drive to work and sit at my desk.  With my usual grace, I spilled coffee on my dress and was grateful that was the worst thing I had to deal with today. I was reminded my “issues” are trivial and for those of us not living through something, whatever that something may be, the rest of us can extend empathy, compassion, kindness and support to those who need it. I found this quote last night and it is a good reminder:  Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  Be kind.  Always.

Appreciate when you have periods of time in life when things are uncomplicated.  Appreciate when you are the observer instead of one of the affected and help when you can.  Do small things to show kindness because even the little things go a long way.  What goes around comes around. When you need kindness, it will come back to you in ways that likely would surprise you.

I do appreciate the light installation in lower Manhattan.  I saw many pictures on Instagram tonight.  It is quite peaceful and serene.

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September 4, 2013

Gratitude Is Easy

Back to work.  The day after Labor Day is always a bit deflating.  The end of summer is near which means bulky coats, boots and dark mornings and evenings are looming.  The end of last week also involved a rather unpleasant client meeting.  Unpleasant as in awkward silences and uncomfortable explanations about a deliverable.  As I started my drive to the same client location this morning, I was cringing a bit.  I am the face to the client so they look to me for answers and explanations and to listen to their pain points. When I am on the spot, honesty is my only route.  I learned early in my years in Corporate America to avoid taking things personally and to be composed no matter how the client is addressing me.  After an unpleasant meeting I always feel weird going back to the client.

As I was waiting in the lobby I was checking Instagram and Twitter, as I always do when I am just waiting.  It is always interesting to see what words of wisdom others are posting.  One person posted a picture of her journal and indicated she writes the things for which she is grateful as a daily practice.  Another posted that she makes note of the good things that happen to her each day before she goes to bed. And another posted her advice to thank yourself when something goes well. After last week, I decided to try to remember the good things at the conclusion of my all day client visit.

Fast forward to 11am when I sat down with one my key client contacts.  She has a daughter my age so it is hard to get anything past her.  She uses mother’s intuition with me so it is futile to think anything will go unnoticed. She started by saying, “I wanted to talk to you about last week’s meeting and how you conducted yourself.”  I cringed in my chair as I waited to hear what was next as I really had no idea how I was perceived by the client after a rigmarole of a conference call.  She said, “Some of the people on the phone were being unreasonable.  You were poised and you listened and your responses were very thoughtful and reflective of the fact that you were listening to what was said.  We appreciated that you were willing volunteered to go to the executive meeting to explain the circumstances.  You did an excellent job given the awkward circumstances and awkward silences.”  WHEW!  I was so relieved and so grateful to receive a compliment from a customer.  I pride myself in advocating for my clients and giving them honest answers and understanding in my interactions.  Most often, when working as a service provider, compliments are few and far between as clients often speak up when displeased.  My client also said, “You either enjoy the abuse (jokingly) or you have learned to take nothing personally.”  To which I replied (in short), “It is business, nothing is personal here and I learned that a lesson many years ago.”  WHEW!  It turned my day around to hear my client validate that I did the right thing and approached business concerns in the right way.  I am fairly confident in my ability, however, hearing how someone perceives me is helpful and enlightening.  I decided to chalk that up to a good thing that happened to me today.

My takeaway is to show gratitude.  It is easy and often effortless.  Always thank the people who do good work.  I tend to thank people in any service capacity because I have had several different jobs in my life.  It is very easy to show gratitude and appreciation when someone works behind a counter or over the telephone.  I find many people forget to do this .  I send notes to senior management when some goes above and beyond.  I have been known to pull over on the side of the road to thank utility workers.  Every day for the last 4 the staff at Starbucks has gotten my drink wrong.  I suspect a lot of people would get annoyed,  however, I just asked them to correct it and thanked the barista for doing so.  I see how hard the baristas work during a rush and no one is intentionally giving me the wrong coffee concoction.  Say thank you to the people who provide service as they deserve to be acknowledged and they deserve to know their work is appreciated.  If you are a regular, introduce yourself and learn the names of the people who prepare your coffee or wait on your table or do your pedicure.  I find it it usually leads to better service and a more positive experience for all parties involved.

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September 1, 2013

Thank You. Merci. Gracias. You Get It.

Just say thank you. Two words when used together are often very powerful.  These are the only two words you need to use sometimes. When someone does something nice for you say thank you, rather than objecting.  I was with two friends this weekend and one is in a financial situation that makes me appreciate my steady job and uncomplicated life.  Right or wrong, because I have an income and she is unemployed and supporting her family as best she can, I refuse any gestures involving money out of her pocket. It bothers her that I do this and she snuck in and paid for my smoothie at a take out place on Saturday afternoon.  I thanked her for her kindness and generosity; however, in my mind I wished she had saved the $5 to do something for herself.

I have rules with my friends. In spite of good intention, I try to avoid allowing my friends with financial constraints from spending money on me, even a cup of coffee.  I have the flexibility of spending money in my day to day life and always prefer a person save their dollars until easier days come around or apply elsewhere i.e. groceries or other needs.  Another friend of mine was unemployed a few years ago and working hard to find a new job.  During this time, she was dining home and was feeling bummed out because she needed to restrict her spending.  I insisted on buying her sushi one night to get her out of the house; plus I wanted company for dinner as sushi is always better at the restaurant! She was uncomfortable with this because she is an independent woman and likes to pay her own way; however, she relented because I negotiated with her.  I made a deal.  I offered to let her pay for dinner once she had income feeding her bank account if she would let me make dinner my treat.  I held up my end of the bargain, about a year later, when she was finally employed again.  We met for dinner and she reminded me of the deal we made when the check came.  It made her happy to treat me to dinner after all that time and I thanked her.

I often think about acts of kindness and what we can do for other people.  Sometimes acts of kindness are well served when they help strangers.  Sometimes acts of kindness are well served when friends are in need.  When an opportunity to help someone presents itself, it is hard for me to say no.  To clarify, I am hardly a bleeding heart and truthfully am not the person who gives money to homeless people sitting on the street.  I will, however, donate food to a food pantry or clothes to charity, for example, to ensure my contribution is put to good use.  When I have an opportunity to help, it tugs on me unless I take action.  It may be odd but true.  It takes so little effort to do something for someone else and if the response is ‘oh that is too much’ or something along those lines, I usually say, “just say thank you and do something for someone else when you can.”   Acts of kindness can be money free as well.  A neighbor was recently talking about a business idea he has been considering.  I told him I had been reading on the very topic he was interested in and shared blogs and articles I  had read to provide him with additional resources and possible leads.   Little or big, time consuming or easy to do, identifying an opportunity to help is rewarding and an opportunity to help can inspire the recipient or another person to pay it forward.   It goes along with the what goes around, comes around idea as well. Give kindness and you will probably see welcome and/or unexpected kindness in return. Help and when you need help, it will be returned.  Obvious statements I suppose yet on my mind for the last few days.  Thank you for reading this blog.

 

 

 

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August 7, 2013

How Did I Get Here!?

I have a friend from the gym, Melissa, who has been skipping out on our weekly class lately.  I wondered where she had been and her responses to text messages were rather vague.  I offered to listen if she needed anything and she never responded.  As I do when I know something is awry, I leave people be and till they are ready to surface.  Melissa eventually told me she left her place of employment, a  public relations company she joined as a start up.  As a result of a series of events, she left her 10 years of hard work and her title of vice president behind. Melissa came to class tonight (hooray!) and when she began to tell me what happened and how sad she was about the turn of events. My initial feedback was, “Wow it sounds like a really bad break up.”  She looked at with me with surprised, huge eyes and said, “It feels like a bad divorce!  People I thought were my friends turned against me and I did nothing wrong.  I chose to leave my job and now my friends from work will not speak to me.”  Though my work related experiences have been different, I could empathize with how Melissa must be feeling.  She dedicated 10 years and countless hours to the success of her company and developed friendships with people who ended up being completely unreliable in a time of turbulence.  Without a doubt, when the people you care about and the people you trust let you down or turn their backs on you, it is hurtful.   The only thing I could say was she could count on me to be her friend and if someone turned their back on her, that person was likely never truly a loyal friend.  I suppose I may sound like Pollyanna, however, I have had enough situations in life when my friends have shown me they will be there for me regardless of what is happening in their lives and mine.  It reminded me how important it is to pick your team or to pick your “people” wisely.  Who has your back?

Melissa’s situation also reminded me leaving one’s comfort zone can be quite uncomfortable and disconcerting.  For Melissa, she never expected to leave her job this way and certainly never expected to leave her job at this point in her life.  One day she was doing something she enjoyed, weird politics began to surface and the next thing she knew she was sitting home wondering what happened to everything she built from a career standpoint.  It is as if she was sailing on a ship with her friends, dumped overboard and as the ship sailed away, no one looked back or bothered to throw her a life preserver.  She was left her floating in the middle of the ocean, alone.    As I spoke Melissa tonight, I realized she had been stunned by the change that is upon her.  She is slowly beginning to recuperate from the disappointment and the sadness she is feeling;  however, when I asked her what she has been doing, she informed me very little.   I wanted  to ask Melissa what she would like to do next.  I could see she is still treading water and needs time before she is ready to decide if she will swim, call for help, or ride a wave.  I told her about my friend Erin, whom Melissa knows from the gym, and Erin’s very similar circumstances at her last job.  Erin encountered some messy politics and after many uncomfortable situations made a difficult choice to submit her resignation from the corporation at which she worked for many years.  Melissa was really surprised by this news as she had no idea Erin was in the same line of work (coincidentally) and had been through a similar experience.  I informed her Erin ended up doing freelance work and by way of her freelance opportunities secured a new full time job.  We discussed a little more and I could see the wheels turning in Melissa’s head.  Why did I share someone else’s story? 1. I know Erin would be ok with it and I am hoping all 3 of us can get together soon so Melissa can see people she knows can empathize and relate to her situation. 2. I wanted to give an indirect suggestion to what direction Melissa could take. 3. I believe it helps to know you are not alone when you are feeling sad or lousy or confused about a situation in life.  When you leave your comfort zone and feel you are treading water, by talking to others, most likely you will find someone will swim over and offer you a life raft to let you know you are not alone.  Everyone needs a dose of compassion and empathy now and then whether they realize it or not.  Sometimes when you least a expect it, people you know can be more supportive and helpful than you previously considered.

Life just takes turns and open and closes door – sometimes you are ready and you are left wondering what to do next.    It takes time to figure things out when you are thrown totally off course unexpectedly.  I like to think once a person gets their bearings after being thrown into the ocean of life, new ideas come about, confidence evolves and something positive can come from what was an unpleasant experience.    I will be interested to see what Melissa does next.  What has she learned that she can carry forward and what can she leave behind?  Every experience teaches us something, if we chose to identify the lesson.  Whether we leave our comfort zone or get abruptly shoved out of our comfort zone, things always manage to work out, if up to the task.  Ask for help, build your plan, talk to people, do whatever works for you.  After the waters become clearer, I would guess most people eventually look back and say, “I never imagined I would have ended up here.”

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July 8, 2013

Find The Common Thread

What do you have in common with the person sitting next to you?  I had an interesting conversation with two friends last night.  One was describing a situation she is dealing with at this time and my other friend and I were totally empathetic as we know exactly what she is going through.  We probably could have told her how her situation would play out before she shared most of the details.  The story will continue to play out and I came up with three possible endings, like a Choose Your Own Adventure story.  I would bet money on one of three possible scenarios as the final result, whenever it unfolds.

It struck me ironic that I was sitting at a table with two of my friends and ultimately we have or will have the same life experiences.  Now not all of our experiences are the same though we have known each other many years and have many things in common.  The specific topic of conversation prompted me to start thinking and writing.  It is amazing how different your life can be from someone else yet one single event involving sharing of stories can reveal commonalities, connections, and empathy.  It struck me funny that life can play out in similar ways regardless of who you are or where you are from.  It showed me how the microcosm in the restaurant last night is likely reflective of a much bigger picture related to human connection.  I suppose this revelation is hardly news to some; however, it really made me pause to think about empathy.  Empathy is necessary and vital to human connection and the evolution of human relationships.  To be able to relate to one another regardless of background, financial status, or location is extremely important.  If you can relate to someone, it means you know what it is like to walk in their shoes in your own pair of shoes.  If you are unable to relate based on specific experience, you are likely able to draw a parallel to some other experience in your life to feel empathy and compassion.  Granted there are times when it is really hard to relate to people.  If you meet someone with a sense of entitlement, it can be difficult to have empathy or compassion.  I deserve, I should have, I am in the center of the universe, how much can I get, etc types make it tough. However, in general, amongst the people around you, when you find a common thread that ties two or three or many people together, it is a revealing experience.  To be able to say, my experience was similar to yours, you are in good company and how can I help, is a really big thing.  It can lead to friendships, new perspective, new ideas or just the relief of knowing someone understands and can listen and be supportive.  I am sure we have all had an experience in life when we feel as if we are living in another dimension.  Talking to someone brings it all back around to normal and into perspective.

There are so many other things I can write about on this topic though it would lead me down too many different paths.  I will end this by saying, be aware of yourself and those around you.  Practice empathy and if you need guidance, start by typing “define empathy” in a Google search box.   It is a very important tool for all of us to use  and a skill can always be developed wherever life takes us.

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