The Skeletons Can Be Helpful

Have faith in what will happen. It just popped into my head  and I started thinking about various events in my life.  When I reflect back on where I have been and where I am now, there are so many things I never expected or never anticipated. Writing that sounds ridiculous to me on some level. There are so many unexpected things that happen in life.  It is necessary trust in the idea that there is a reason behind everything that happens and the timing of things will be what it needs to be. Maybe some people ponder this often but I tend to reflect when something reminds me to do so.  How did you get here?  What decisions did I make or did I not make?  How have I changed? What has changed me or what has been the impetus to change? Here is what was happening 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago.  The things in the present that were never on my radar in prior years are most interesting to me. 10 years ago I never would have imagined I would be working where I am today.5 years ago I would not have believed I would still be working where I am. It is interesting to reflect on the people who were in my life and those who have drifted in a different direction and the new people I have met along the way.

There is a saying I have read that I will misquote and it goes something like,  “Do not think about the past because you do not live there.”  I tend to look at the past as the way to learn how to avoid repeating those things you prefer to never again repeat.  You can say you will never do something again but I believe until you determine why you did something or examine what was happening in your life at a specific time, you may repeat things.  You have to look at the matter, understand why it happened, what role you played and what you can do differently next time.  I have a friend who says he nevers likes to think about the past.  He does not like to think about mistakes he has made or “stupid” things he has done.  Avoidance only leads to more of the same.   Facing yourself and taking accountability for things that have happened can be difficult and uncomfortable.  I tend to think once you take a hard look at something and you learn something valuable.   I think avoiding the past is like being chased. I think of a cartoon character running with zombie skeletons in fast pursuit.  Once you stop and turn around and address each skeleton by name and find out why you are being chased, the skeletons vanish.  We learn lessons from past actions by virtue of  facing things and setting them free.  If we choose to face a lesson or take a lesson to heart, it can only be a helpful lead-in to change. The past does not define us.  It can help us figure out who we want to be moving forward. We make mistakes, we make less than ideal decisions, we do weird things, hang out with various people and it all happens for a reason. I guess sometimes you have to visit the past and then move on versus living in the past and dwelling or letting the past continuously tap you on the shoulder.  It is like going on a weekend trip.  You visit, you look around, you experience things and then you go back to your reality.

Learning is an ongoing experience, we never stop learning whether we like or not regardless of age.  Well, perhaps on some level learning is choice or admitting there is something to learn is a process.  I was talking to a friend recently about a specific situation and I said I had nothing to learn from it.  The next day I was driving to work and realized there was something big I had been ignoring – kind of like an elephant in the room.  When you least expect it things can reveal themselves and teach you something new.  I would guess in a year or 5 years I will look back again and be amazed about what has changed in my life.  I tend to think things change in our life if we pay attention to signs and messages that lead to the lessons.  Some lessons are harder than others and some result in really positive things.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.

Feet Up, Unplugged

In this day in age, we all just need to unplug from the day to day routine periodically.  Turn off laptops, phone devices, tablets, ebooks, stop taking work calls and disconnect for awhile.  I did this last week while on vacation at the seashore and when I returned to civilization, I felt so good.  It was liberating to spend a week away from the interruptive technology of my daily routine.  Losing the feeling that compels me to check email and reply to clients disappeared for several days.  Admittedly, I had a personal mobile phone with me but I even left that in my bedroom or my purse to give myself a break.  I tried to be productive while I was on vacation, however, that was a futile effort.  My brain was refusing to participate in anything productive such as reading a book, writing, doing a crossword.  My brain was fried even though my body was ready to get out. My brain won over and I barely did anything except focus on what I would eat for lunch each day.  On my first day of vacation, I sat on the porch unable to move.  I spent the entire day sitting on the porch, planning to head to the beach though I made no movement to do so.  I finally gave up on plans to move off the porch around 4pm.  Why fight it?  Sitting back with my feet up was working just fine.  By the end of the week, I realized it was the first week of good sleep I had had in awhile. 11pm – 7am every day and no feeling of dread or angst about the work day ahead.  Instead, I feel totally at ease (cue Lionel Ritchie), easy like Sunday morning. That comes to mind because I woke up several times wondering what day it was as every day felt like Sunday. Relaxed, low key and lazy.

Some people are really good at taking vacation, I am guilty of ending up with unused days at the end of every year.  I follow a blog ( one of many) and the writer advises looking at the calendar at beginning of the year and planning vacation time ahead.  I now understand why she advises this though it has taken me awhile to see the value.  Everyone needs a break and it you wait too long to do it, it requires a lot more rest and relaxation to get back to “normal.”  If you wait to long, you end up crunched for time and with leftover vacation days.

That is all I have to say for now.  My brain is still in vacation mode.  When I returned to work today, I felt like a fish swimming upstream as a week away took away my stride.  However, I was much more patient with myself and everything requiring my attention.  Planning time off before the end of the year is on the list.

 

How Did I Get Here!?

I have a friend from the gym, Melissa, who has been skipping out on our weekly class lately.  I wondered where she had been and her responses to text messages were rather vague.  I offered to listen if she needed anything and she never responded.  As I do when I know something is awry, I leave people be and till they are ready to surface.  Melissa eventually told me she left her place of employment, a  public relations company she joined as a start up.  As a result of a series of events, she left her 10 years of hard work and her title of vice president behind. Melissa came to class tonight (hooray!) and when she began to tell me what happened and how sad she was about the turn of events. My initial feedback was, “Wow it sounds like a really bad break up.”  She looked at with me with surprised, huge eyes and said, “It feels like a bad divorce!  People I thought were my friends turned against me and I did nothing wrong.  I chose to leave my job and now my friends from work will not speak to me.”  Though my work related experiences have been different, I could empathize with how Melissa must be feeling.  She dedicated 10 years and countless hours to the success of her company and developed friendships with people who ended up being completely unreliable in a time of turbulence.  Without a doubt, when the people you care about and the people you trust let you down or turn their backs on you, it is hurtful.   The only thing I could say was she could count on me to be her friend and if someone turned their back on her, that person was likely never truly a loyal friend.  I suppose I may sound like Pollyanna, however, I have had enough situations in life when my friends have shown me they will be there for me regardless of what is happening in their lives and mine.  It reminded me how important it is to pick your team or to pick your “people” wisely.  Who has your back?

Melissa’s situation also reminded me leaving one’s comfort zone can be quite uncomfortable and disconcerting.  For Melissa, she never expected to leave her job this way and certainly never expected to leave her job at this point in her life.  One day she was doing something she enjoyed, weird politics began to surface and the next thing she knew she was sitting home wondering what happened to everything she built from a career standpoint.  It is as if she was sailing on a ship with her friends, dumped overboard and as the ship sailed away, no one looked back or bothered to throw her a life preserver.  She was left her floating in the middle of the ocean, alone.    As I spoke Melissa tonight, I realized she had been stunned by the change that is upon her.  She is slowly beginning to recuperate from the disappointment and the sadness she is feeling;  however, when I asked her what she has been doing, she informed me very little.   I wanted  to ask Melissa what she would like to do next.  I could see she is still treading water and needs time before she is ready to decide if she will swim, call for help, or ride a wave.  I told her about my friend Erin, whom Melissa knows from the gym, and Erin’s very similar circumstances at her last job.  Erin encountered some messy politics and after many uncomfortable situations made a difficult choice to submit her resignation from the corporation at which she worked for many years.  Melissa was really surprised by this news as she had no idea Erin was in the same line of work (coincidentally) and had been through a similar experience.  I informed her Erin ended up doing freelance work and by way of her freelance opportunities secured a new full time job.  We discussed a little more and I could see the wheels turning in Melissa’s head.  Why did I share someone else’s story? 1. I know Erin would be ok with it and I am hoping all 3 of us can get together soon so Melissa can see people she knows can empathize and relate to her situation. 2. I wanted to give an indirect suggestion to what direction Melissa could take. 3. I believe it helps to know you are not alone when you are feeling sad or lousy or confused about a situation in life.  When you leave your comfort zone and feel you are treading water, by talking to others, most likely you will find someone will swim over and offer you a life raft to let you know you are not alone.  Everyone needs a dose of compassion and empathy now and then whether they realize it or not.  Sometimes when you least a expect it, people you know can be more supportive and helpful than you previously considered.

Life just takes turns and open and closes door – sometimes you are ready and you are left wondering what to do next.    It takes time to figure things out when you are thrown totally off course unexpectedly.  I like to think once a person gets their bearings after being thrown into the ocean of life, new ideas come about, confidence evolves and something positive can come from what was an unpleasant experience.    I will be interested to see what Melissa does next.  What has she learned that she can carry forward and what can she leave behind?  Every experience teaches us something, if we chose to identify the lesson.  Whether we leave our comfort zone or get abruptly shoved out of our comfort zone, things always manage to work out, if up to the task.  Ask for help, build your plan, talk to people, do whatever works for you.  After the waters become clearer, I would guess most people eventually look back and say, “I never imagined I would have ended up here.”

Time and Time Again

cTime goes by and things may stay the same or things may change.  Time does many things whether we are consciously aware of it or not.  I started to think about this after a short visit by friends whom I have not seen in about 5 years. They live out of state and decided to pop in on me this morning and though brief it was so nice to see them again.  Time goes by yet preserves the bonds and connections we create with people we meet. I say this as I feel it is a common human experience to reconnect with someone and think or say, “Though so much time has passed, it feels like I saw you yesterday!”  Time puts human connection on hold and lets us pick up where we left off, if we so choose.

Throughout life we encounter painful experiences that can be difficult to understand or comprehend.  Life is full of good things which can be easy to embrace and unpleasantness that can be painful or unsettling.  Sometimes I can only think of one thing to say when someone is struggling, “time is a great healer”. It carries much truth in my opinion.  Though I take no credit for this idiom, I know there have been situations for which time has been the healing factor to help me.  It is with time that we begin to settle in and understand the things that might be hard to process in a specific moment or given period of time.  I know I have heard, “give it a little time, you will begin to feel better.”  Time has some sort of medicinal quality whatever the hurt, upset, pain or maladie, whether physically and emotionally.  There are times when some things seem irreparable, however, given time, a person can learn to heal or forgive and move on from something that may have been quite powerful in a specific moment.  I do realize in some cases healing and forgiveness are easier than in others so I appreciate every situation is unique.  

Time is also a bit of a magician by way of  providing clarity, insight and perhaps perspective as the hours and days carry us away from a situation. I  have a friend who always says. “In time, the answers will eventually surface” or something along those lines.  I do believe this is true.  Have you ever been in a situation and the information at hand seems disjointed or unclear?   Yet whether it is days, weeks, months later, you receive the clarity or answers you wanted at an earlier time? If you let it do its thing, time will help reveal or unravel or shake out the information and results that may have been previously elusive  or hazy.   When the time is right, what we need to move forward, gain insight, start again or find closure will surface.  All in a matter of time.