Just Throw The Spaghetti Up On The Wall

I think about having a blog and how uncomfortable it is for me.  The discomfort I feel has been following me around like a stray dog of late.  For the non-exhibitionists out there, for me, a blog is akin to standing under a spotlight, on a stage, naked.  I guess that sounds a little weird; however, I find a blog to be quite revealing.  It is really out of the ordinary for me to “publicize” my point of view about anything.  I am quite reserved in sharing my feelings or in developing connections with others.  I keep most things within my small circle of friends.  Many times in my life I have heard, “I have no idea how to read you” as I am admittedly selective about who I confide in or  with whom I share my point of view.   A blog is a weird dichotomy for me as I like to keep to myself; yet I am posting thoughts and reactions on the internet.  Newsflash: there is nothing private about the internet, so what am I doing?  I have yet to admit I have a blog to my closest friends as I am really self conscious about it.  It is a blog not some government secret but I guess it feels quite personal.   It is all rather contradictory, I do admit.  I believe everyone has a point of view and sharing with others can have many benefits whether through writing, art, music, cooking, building, photography – whatever the preferred outlet.  At the same time, it makes me uncomfortable to put my point of view out there as I worry about sounding silly.  The creative side of me enjoys writing among other things.  The pragmatic side of me wonders if I sound ridiculous and how often I have used a semi-colon improperly.  

I decided to start my blog at the advice of my brother and one of my friends. Both have encouraged me to just start writing and “get over” the details.  Just throw the spaghetti up on the wall and see what sticks?  I thought it necessary to start out with a brilliant idea and a perfect logo and color scheme.  At some point, I realized focusing on details was my way of practicing avoidance.  If I do not have a clever name or the right layout or an amazing logo, how can I start a blog?  It reminds me of freshman year in high school, sitting on the varsity bench, hoping I was invisible to my coach.  How could I play in a varsity game if I was only freshman with so little varsity playing time.  I thought there was a chance he did not see me sitting at the end of the bench.  And to my horror, as if my coach was reading my mind, he would send me to the scorers table to check in to get in the game. #55 on the floor.

There is nothing fancy about my blog. I just start writing when I have something following me around that I would like to get off my mind.  I am a poor proof reader.  I usually write late at night and am hardly an eagle eye at hours when I would be better off sleeping.  In fact, I often go back days later and find myself correcting mistakes – that is the pragmatic side of me.  The side of me that finds grammatical errors and typos embarrassing and sub par.  For some a blog may be liberating or  of little consequence.  For some it is source of income and a way to connect with others.  I am just trying to figure it all out right now.  My discomfort is probably more my insecurity about what someone reading this might think or fear of sounding ridiculous if the people who know me read this.   I try to just go with the flow even if human nature keeping tapping me on the shoulder.  Insecurities happen.  Fear happens.  It is comes down to doing things to build up confidence to erase insecurity and fear.  It probably means I would be better off admitting my blog “secret” to my friends, then perhaps it would be no big deal…and someone would volunteer to be my proof reader/editor.



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